Icedaemon
Magnificent Fiendish Bastard
Joined: 17 Jan 2007
Posts: 5366
Location: Hell, staying frosty.
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 Posted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:24 am Post subject: Apple pie for a real man. |
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1. Pick out ten fresh eggs from the fridge and place them on the kitchen table.
2. Wipe the floor, then take two bowls, one slightly smaller, the other may be quite large. Crack the remaining seven eggs against one bowl and pour the yolk into the smaller bowl and the whites into the larger one.
3. Wipe the kitchen table. You now have roughly five eggs worth of yolk in the bowl. Don't worry, you're doing great.
4. Take a mixer, insert those metal gubbins and use it on the yolk. Don't forget to plug it in first.
5. Wipe your face. Pick the beaters out of the bowl and place them back in the mixer. Push harder this time.
6. Whip the yolk good.
7. Go to the bathroom and wash your hands, face and neck of yolk. You now have two eggs worth of yolk in the bowl, now creamed. Don't worry, you won't likely need more than that.
8. Cover the kitchen furniture with cheap cloth or plastic. Tape old newspapers to the ceiling.
9. Find a bag of flour.
10. Pour 200 grams of flour into a measuring cup. Carefully push the 800 now on the table back into the bag, unless you missed step 8 and consider the kitchen table too dirty.
11. Mix the dough.
12. Take a shower to clean off the flour on your person.
13. Make sure you have adhesive strip brand band-aids, bandages and iodine at hand in the kitchen.
14. Take 4 apples and a sharp knife. Peel the apples, clean your thumb with iodine and wrap the wound with some bandages.
15. Cut the apples into small cubes and remember that the pie would need at least 2 apples, so don't eat more than half the apples immediately. Use iodine on your index- and middle finger. Those scars can be taken care of with adhesives.
16. Take all the peels out of the bowl with the egg whites and whisk it.
17. Take a bag of sugar and pour 100 grams into the bowl. Since the 400 other grams are already in the bowl, one must simply hope that you like it sweet. Don't forget to wash the fridge door quickly, otherwise getting the egged sugar off will be very time-consuming and difficult.
18. Pour the remaining apple cubes, roughly one apple's worth as per an optimistic estimate, into the dough, as well as whatever remains of the eggs and the sugar. Stir carefully, you are much too tired to take another shower.
19. Pour the contents of the bowl onto a pie pan. Cheer as you manage to not spill any on the floor. Insert the pan into the oven.
20. Return about an hour later, notice that it has not gotten all that much browner and switch the oven on.
21. Wake up from your well-deserved nap to a scent which hints of something burning. Don't call the fire department, simply open the oven and your kitchen window.
22. Go to the store to pick up a cake of some kind and something strong to wash it down with. You deserve it.
23. Rush home and turn off the oven before it burns the house down.
(Taken from an Estonian humour site. Apologies if the translation is imperfect, I am unfamiliar with kitchen lingo and likely to follow this guide if I ever want pie.) |
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